THIRTYTONORMAL

can’t stay in one place

too long, I guess.  I’m headed back to the cabin tomorrow.  Good news is that means I don’t have to do Halloween as we are too isolated to get any kids knocking on the door.

The reason I’m heading back though is to host a birthday party (and out of town guests for said party).  Originally the party was going to be at BIL’s house, but now that that is gone, it had to be moved.  I don’t mind doing it at all, I just wish it wasn’t happening right now when I’m just getting back on track.  I’m happy to have the company too, but they don’t eat like I do and are going to want things like bread in the house so they can make their own sandwiches for lunch.  It isn’t that I have to cook for these people … they are all more than happy to cook for themselves and everybody else … it’s that they will cook yummy, delicious, tempting, carb-laden dishes.  Fortunately there is not a food-pusher among them; not that I need an outside food-pusher, though, when I have me, myself and I.

I need to take a cue from Sunny and come up with a battle plan.  Wishing and hoping ain’t going to get it done.

I’m not very good at taking my own advice …

but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s the right thing to do.  Sometimes I feel like I’m some third party observing my actions (or inaction) from afar.  Asking myself WTH I was thinking and do you REALLY want to do (or not do) that. Talk about not taking responsibility.

I don’t blame anybody or anything except myself for being overweight fat.  I am the weight I am because of the mostly always bad choices I’ve made.  I chose to eat crap, to overeat, to not exercise.  Me, nobody else.  And yet for some reason I keep giving myself a pass.  Like it’s okay because I have good intentions; I mean, come on, we all know I REALLY want to lose the weight, so that should count for something, right?  Yeah, not so much.

When I look back it’s clear to see that I was either in the game or I was standing on the sidelines, thinking about what I would do if I WAS in the game.  Intellectually I understand all this; taking the thinking to the doing is where I’m dropping the ball.  The only thing analyzing the behavior does is possibly help it not recur (although  based on past behavior the knowing why hasn’t stopped it happening me from doing it again and again).  Because in the end it doesn’t matter what caused it, it really only matters if I get off my fat ass and get back on plan. Right now.

No more playing around, thinking I can eat this and get away with it or not exercise and get away with it.  No more pushing the boundaries that I KNOW are very clearly defined for me.

That inner brat child that thinks she should lose weight while not working at it has got to go.  It’s time to man up and take responsibility.

the candy dilemma

since Karen brought it up I decided I’ll put in my two cents worth.  So much of what she says is true.  I went through everything she did, from buying “good” candy to buying “wouldn’t eat that if I were starving” candy.  Hiding it.  Giving it away.  I wrote here and  here about my struggles last year with tootsie rolls.  Mac loves giving out candy on Halloween so we aren’t going down the “no candy here” route.

I did decide to do something different this year.  Normally I buy those huge packs which only contained one thing I liked … the dreaded tootsie rolls.  The good thing about this is that 90% of the candy was stuff I didn’t eat.  The bad, of course, was that I would take out every.single.tootsie.roll and save it for me to eat.  The other bad thing about those huge bags of candy is that there is usually stuff left over and it is WAY too easy to grab one little piece of candy and think that it is okay because it is just one little piece of candy.  Of course in my world that one little piece of candy ALWAYS leads to another and another and another until I’m stuffing them into my mouth so fast that I don’t even have time to eat one piece before another is shoved in.

So this year I bought full-size candy bars of a type I don’t normally eat.  (I had to put a qualifying adverb in there because when it comes to Halloween candy we all know that all bets are OFF.)  My thinking on getting the full size bars is that first of all I know exactly how many I bought.  So no kidding lying to myself about how many I’ve eaten.  Secondly it takes a lot more justification on my part to eat a full-size bar rather than an itsy, bitsy, so-small-it-shouldn’t-even-count piece of candy.  Thirdly Mac is ALWAYS concerned that we won’t have enough candy.  So he buys more and more.  And then gives out huge handfuls to each kid leading to it looking like we ARE going to run out of candy (horror of horrors!) so that he writes himself a note to make sure he buys even more candy the following year.

I also stockpiled McDonald’s toys this year (none of my gks like the toys but they all like the meals so I keep the toys) and will give those out to any littlies who not only don’t need a big a candy bar but don’t need candy at all.

And finally we will know EXACTLY how many trick-or-treaters show up.  (See above note about Mac writing himself a note … when you are both engineer-types you tend to be a little lot geeky about numbers.)