The trip was wonderful.  We had a great time celebrating and catching up with everybody.  The food was not so great … lots of sugar and grains and casseroles (along with the ubiquitous jello salads ).  Sometimes the only thing available to me was fresh vegetables (and most of the time only because I brought a tray).  A couple of meals I couldn’t find a plain piece of protein to save my life.

So I didn’t eat.  And guess what?  I didn’t die of hunger.  I know, it was a big surprise to me too.  I guess carrying around a minimum of 35 extra pounds does enable one to fast here and there.

I didn’t have any cake either, although that was more because they had the kind I don’t like (i.e. it wasn’t chocolate with chocolate frosting), than because of any great exercise of will-power on my part.  But whatever the reason I didn’t indulge so hooray for me.

I am happy to be back in my own kitchen.  I had a great time at the grocery store this morning stocking up on vegetables and protein.  Even have meals planned for the week as opposed to my usual modus operandi of deciding in the morning what I’ll make that night.  I also want to make a big batch of vegetable soup … just need to find a recipe that I like.  Anybody have a vegetable soup recipe they love????

We are going forth to celebrate birthdays with some of the aunts.  They are all in their late 80′s to late 90′s so we don’t want to miss the chance to celebrate with them whenever we can. I can’t imagine how many cakes there will be, but after yesterday’s incident even the thought of sugar turns me off it.

I am taking my laptop with me so hope to have the opportunity to check in.  I always do better staying on plan when I can keep connected with the blog world.

I was at a "tea" this morning and decided I'd have one, small, petit four cake.  Holy sugar shock.  It really was just one bite and almost as soon as I swallowed it I could feel the sugar coursing through my veins.  I got so light-headed I had to sit down.  Evidently I don't process sugar well at all any more.  Two hours later I could still feel the effects.

Lesson learned.

I’m doing okay with the intuitive eating as far as eating when I’m hungry and choosing to eat what is good for my health (because that is a big part of intuitive eating … it isn’t about eating whatever you want because you want … it’s about making good choices automatic (i.e. intuitive)).  I’m still not doing great with stopping when I’m satisfied.

I think this is a left-over from dieting … the idea that you get x-amount of food and no more.  Therefore you better eat it all because that’s all there is.  Plus I COUNTED it!!!!

The funny thing  is when I was raising my kids I don’t think I ever ate a whole anything.  Wash an apple, peel a banana, cut open an orange and there were all these little people there who wanted a bite.  For years whenever we went out to dinner Mac and I always shared our meals with the youngest kids.  (This was before restaurants had kid’s meals … yes my kids are THAT old.)

The answer, of course, is to fully embrace the intuitive eating … to pay attention to my point of satiety and stop eating regardless of how much I’ve already eaten (or haven’t eaten) or how much is left on my plate.

To trust myself …

That’s not to say there wasn’t a time in the not too distant past when I would have used the day as an excuse to cram as many treats into my mouth as I could.  Especially the day after Valentine’s when everything is on sale.  (Because everybody knows if you buy it at half-price, then it has half the calories!)

We’ll celebrate with a special dinner.  No presents, although once in a while Mac buys me flowers, but that usually only happens when he happens to be at the grocery store on the day and there is a big display of flowers right in front of him.  Which is okay because he knows that I’m not really a flowers kind of woman … they are okay once in a while but there’s a lot of other things I’d rather have.  Like some accessories for my IPad.  Just sayin’.

I committed a couple of weeks ago to getting the exercise done every day.  I started with a simple plan … so many every hour … and it’s evolved into me getting back onto the Nordic trak (ski machine) and lifting weights every day.  Nice. I’m back to looking forward to doing it, rather than having to force myself into the basement.

Does anybody (who counts calories) count their exercise calories?  I’ve always felt that unless I was really killing it, then I most likely wasn’t working hard enough to make that much of a difference.

I do feel the difference in my body when I’m exercising.  Another of those things that makes me wonder why I ever quit exercising when it feels so good.

Eating has also been excellent.  One of those things where the more I do it the easier it is to do.  I have had a couple of pieces of fruit in the last week … absolutely delicious oranges twice and a banana once.  My weight is still creeping downward, so I know I’m not overdoing it.

I have realized that my mindset at the moment is if I can’t have all I want of something (cupcakes!), then I don’t want any.  This is working as long as I don’t have that first bite and I believe this is where I need to be right now.  Maybe after I’ve lost the weight, I can think about having just one bite, but I know I’m not ready to do it now.

And isn’t that what this is all about … knowing what is right for you??

I kept meaning to blog and catch up on blogs, but didn’t even turn on the computer most days.  I did come home with my weight unchanged which was good … I don’t drink nearly enough water when I’m traveling due to lack of facilities on the road.  Did fairly well with eating out for four days … a lot more sodium than meals I make at home for sure.

I had two extra graphs on my side bar.  One for days of exercise and one for days on plan.  I’ve decided to take both down.  The problem with the days on plan (my goal was 21 which I met) was that once I meet the goal, then I’m starting again and we all know what that means … free day because we are starting over.

Fortunately I did read somebody’s blog … don’t remember whose it was but thank you to them … who just went to her local cupcake store for the first time.  She talked about how the person she used to be would have bought cupcakes and eaten them in the car and how that wasn’t the person she was now.

And it made me stop and think about the person I am.

I am the person who relishes eating vegetables and protein, who likes to exercise, who revels in new recipes that don’t have sugars or grains.  I am on the track to health and wellness and I have no intention of falling off again.  I love where I am, how I feel, and where I’m going (albeit very slowly).

So I’m back for two weeks and I’m reloading not restarting …

I’m still solidly on plan … no grains or sugar, limited dairy, fruit and dark chocolate … and it still feels very natural.  No white-knuckling it, no desiring junk food, nothing but thinking I can SO do this for the rest of my life.

Which is a big change from previous times.  Before I was willing to “go without” because it was always ONLY until I reached a magic number on the scale.  Now I fully embraced this as the way I should always eat.  It’s easy, it fits perfectly into my lifestyle, and I feel great.

And this is with an unplanned trip to the states over the last week-end and a just-planned trip back again this coming week-end.  (Which for those who live in Canada will understand the potential pitfalls when I say the only place for bathroom stops is Tim Horton’s … )

AND my trip to the grocery store and bank this week included once again having to park in front of the cupcake store and having to walk past it several times.  Without even a twinge of desire to indulge.

Unbelievable.  Or at least would have been unbelievable two weeks ago.  Because in my view of the world, getting a parking place in front of the cupcake store is the universe’s way of saying “you most definitely SHOULD go in there … that’s why we arranged this prime parking place for you”.  I might have fought the universe on that, but it would have been a fight and now it only crosses my mind in that “hmmm, there was a time when I would have wanted to go in there and now I don’t care.”

Instead I was more concerned about the price of a head of cabbage.

I’m still a little leery of saying I’ll never be seduced by the cupcake store again since it has only been a couple of weeks (and as we all know I’ve been down this road multiple times).  I can’t say for positive that I’ll never fall into the sugar trap again.  But for right here, right now, I’m loving where I am.

The only parking place I could find today was right in front of the cupcake store.  So I hit the grocery store and the bank (it’s half way between them) and walked past the window filled with the freshest of fresh delicious cupcakes several times (because I forgot to get lemons at the grocery store and so had to go back) without a single twinge.

Hooray for me.  I am SO happy to be in this place.

I know I have a long way to go (like the rest of my life ), but after over a year of starts and stops … with the starts sometimes barely lasting a day … it is so great to feel firmly on the path.

And I remember this feeling.  Not just from the first part of this journey when I lost the first ~40 pounds, but from the years and years when I didn’t have a weight problem.  Life wasn’t a series then of on or off a diet.  Life just was.  I fully admit that I was much more active then (as any mother of young kids will testify), but I never belonged to a gym and never counted a single calorie. I just ate when I was hungry and realize now I ate almost exactly like I’m eating now … lots of vegetables and proteins with some fruit and dairy without a lot of grains.

Do I think this is it?  Well, I sure hope it is, but I know that I need to stay cognizant that as easily as I arrived in this place I can just as easily leave.  All it takes is my listening to that voice coming back and telling me I deserve, I can, I should be able to eat that cupcake or cupcakes.

Is it crazy to be this happy about how well things are going at one week in?  Probably, but I take my happiness where I can find it. 

Lest you think it’s off plan, it’s actually not.

Lest you think if it’s on plan, then it’s probably not that great.  It actually is.

To the point that I’m kind of concerned that I might overdo it.

OTOH, it actually keeps me full for hours.

Which I definitely couldn’t say about regular cake (unless I ate so much that I was sick to my stomach).

Here’s the recipe:

• 1 scoop protein powder (I use Primal Fuel of which I could have two scoops a day and still stay on plan)
• 1 Tbsp dark cocoa (the baking kind with no sugar in it)
• 1 Tbsp unsweetened applesauce
• 1 egg white
• 1/4 tsp baking powder
• I add a drip of peppermint occasionally.

Place all ingredients in small bowl and mix together.  Place in microwave for 60 to 70 seconds.

I was actually surprised that it was tasty … not as good as chocolate/chocolate cupcakes (but then seriously what is), but it feels indulgent and I like it better than drinking a protein drink.

I don’t plan on having it very often … I’m afraid I could definitely over indulge.  And I’m not putting any toppings on it, although YMMV.  I hope I can keep it around, but as with all things, I’ll see if it’s an asset or not.

BTW, I’ve never had protein powder before, but with all the traveling we did over the holidays (four weeks’ worth) I decided it would be a good alternative for those days when we didn’t stop for something to eat.  And it worked out really well.  I’ll probably keep some around the house … it’s great for those days when I leave first thing in the morning and don’t get back until the middle of the afternoon.

Kid things are still on-going.  It’s pretty funny to see the family phone-tree.  Kid A calls B who calls C who double-checks with A and then calls D&E who call F&G … and then it all starts over again with multiple calls from multiple people to Mac and I.  I’m resigned about it at this point.

And my resignation means I’m still in the zen zone.  I am keeping track of my carbs and protein right now because I feel like I might be a little light on the protein.  Yesterday I decided to have a couple of slices of turkey (that I’d roasted myself … I never have been able to stomach deli meat) to up the protein count.  Carbs meanwhile are well below the maximum I set for myself which is what happens when you are eating a lot of vegetables and no fruit.

And I love, love, love the spark people app for the IPad … the interface suits me perfectly.  Which is kind of surprising since I was vaguely irritated by desktop interface.  Plus it was free.  And since it’s on my IPad I don’t have to wear my reading glasses to see it I can update it in the evening when I’m catching up with TIVO and drinking my herbal tea.

And I’m still in the zen zone.

I wavered a bit yesterday.  Kid drama which happens even when said kids are all adults.  They’ll figure it out, but seriously I would be happy to step in and tell them what to do.  But I won’t.  We each have to walk our own path and while I think the path they are contemplating isn’t such a great idea they obviously think differently.  And if there’s one thing I’ve definitely learned it’s that sometimes what seems to be the wrong path turns out to be the best path in the end.  So we each need to choose for ourselves because we’re the ones that have to live that choice.  (nothing of a crisis level, just a kid not dealing with things at work the way I think they should … I’m afraid they’ll get fired and they don’t care at this point because of all the crap that’s gone on.)

But in the end I sat down with a cup of herbal tea and re-read the primal blueprint 21 day challenge and was totally back in the zone again.

Now if I could just get my subconscious to let it go and quit waking up in the middle of the night and worrying about things.  I’m just fortunate that I fall right back to sleep again once I convince myself that, once again, it’s out of my hands.

Made turkey with roasted potatoes and onions yesterday.  Debated about having some of the potatoes … they are a seldom or never choice unless you are a heavy exerciser (which I am not).  In the end, I decided to have a couple of bites.  They were good, but I realized I would have been just as happy with roasted cauliflower.  Next time I’ll do the potatoes for Mac and the cauliflower for me.  I’m glad I had them because I think I would have thought they were better than they were if I hadn’t.

We finally are warming up here … at least the temperature is above zero.  It’s still icy out … kids were skating on our cul de sac yesterday.  It looked pretty uneven to me, but then I like to skate on a smooth surface that’s been groomed by a Zamboni.